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Monday, November 16, 2009

Getting Married…….not me.

You know.. facebook hurts. Everyone has great friends and outings etc etc…just makes me kinda jealous. AND as if this weren’t enough…. people are getting married! YES! people my age!! HOW? WHY?

Excuse my reaction. I’m having a great time here with Fish (and my sis) and it already feels like we’re a married couple (just without all the financial etc troubles). Does something change when a couple get married or do they just live on as if nothing happened? Is there a psychological or physical change? Is getting married all that important?

Well.. maybe to some, getting married is no big deal and being tied down by a paper is even scary. But.. i dun know.. i really want to have kids.. and i think it may be my maternal instinct that is creating these strong feelings in me of marriage and the need to transit to that level exists. (This is not to say it is a rash decision – i do love Fish very much)

It’s just that when i see people around me all getting married and moving forward together that i feel like i’m lagging behind.. i’m still a kid. We live in a world where everything comes easily to us and have not reached that ‘forging together’ stage.

But i so so so want to move forward. I so want to start a new chapter in my life. Yet… i know it will be so difficult. I think my parents are different (correct me if i’m wrong). They always think that there is a wider world out there, where i can meet a better guy. They’ve never truly accepted any of my boyfriends (2 only). They’ve never been happy for me that i’m happy in a relationship at any current moment. They think of it as a hindrance, of something fleeting and momentarily. Other parents accept and welcome their daughter’s bf.. but mine treats him more like an enemy or acquaintance more than anything else. I always stuck in between, because both sides are not compromising of each other. I must say, i am 22, i am no longer 16. I admit i made mistakes with a poor relationship at 14 which i learned and had a good relationship number 2. I admit, mistakes were still made there.. and i never regretted my decision btw. I learned and all these mistakes are never to surface again.

I think it’s time to acknowledge that i am no longer a girl with a mental and emotional capacity of a 16 year old. I think it’s time to acknowledge that i have the right to make certain decisions on my own and as family, all i wish is for support and love. Just like what the psychologist told her gf on Bones last night – Even if you should fail, i will let you fail but i will always be there supporting and supporting.

I may not have started working, I may not currently have goals and aspirations worth wowing about. But all these make no difference to who i am and what i need and deserve. I don’t know why the lack of trust or faith exists, maybe it’s something i’ve done in the past, but all of you know me, i don’t drink, i don’t smoke, i don’t go clubbing… what is so inherently wrong with me that i cannot even be allowed to not have a curfew? (in case you’re wondering.. my curfew is 10pm..)

This is my life. For any wrong decisions and actions i have done. i take nothing but full responsibility. these were all my choices and if my choices failed me.. then i pray that i have learned from these wrong choices and realize what it is that i need to change.

Somethings, i’m afraid, cannot be explained fully. I may well be a kid with a tantrum or a really lousy adult.

I just wish wish wish that everything can just coexist harmoniously. I don’t want to have to choose between listening to my parents, listening to my heart or listening to Fish. All three are equally important. I just need the 3 to merge. to understand each other. Maybe then.. i’ll find the peace that i so desperately need.

I go into each relationship with the prospect of marriage in mind. I never intend for any relationship to be as short or as long as it was. I just hope this can be understood. I loved Bailey when i was with him, no doubt about it. Love is blind and i couldn’t see what was wrong between us. What had changed between us. I had to take a step back to realise we were not the same as we once were, and so were our feelings. It just took fish’s appearance which diverted my attention away for me to see what was wrong. and now. i don’t make such mistakes anymore. I see what is wrong with our relationship everyday, every second. and i work to change it. to improve. so that history never repeats itself.

Maybe i see marriage of such importance also because of the status change that would become of me, him and us. That us is reality that one must accept.

Anyway.. i’m sorry this turned into such a sob story. It will be interesting though.. 10 years later when i look through this blog and these words.. what will i be thinking and who might i have become.

I just want to make something really clear. As of today, 16th Nov 2009, Fish is officially here to stay. Whatever the future brings will bring.. but this is my hope and my dream.. of us. and no one.. no one.. will spoil my dream no matter how hard you try. 

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