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Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Goodbye and Hello

I had a dream 2 nights ago. It was a dream that i felt peaceful about. It was about my first ever boyfriend, Issey.

Till today, i remember every small detail and incident and facial features that we ever experienced together. I remember all the small incidents at KFC, at his old house's void deck etc. I remember the comments he made, the weird stuffs he said..everything! This was when i was in Sec 2-3, so it was around 5 years ago. But i can still remember everything vividly in my mind. I don't know why.

Then the dream came along. And i think i know why now. We parted not amicably, but neither violently. It just ended one day suddenly. Through SMS. We never talked about it never expressed any feelings towards it. It just ended. Maybe that's why i never forget because it never seemed to have ended even though we never contacted each other ever since we left school. I never met up with him and the others in the gang. We sort of even avoided each other like the plague. I don't know why.

The dream was of us. I don't remember it very very clearly now. But i remember it starting off with us arguing and screaming and shouting at each other - trying to resolve the problems that we faced so many years ago. And then we calmed down and smiled. Then there was Yu Ting, she made us each a wallet with 3 pictures of me and him that never existed at all. We were happy. Time seemed to pass really slowly then it seems like it was time to leave. So we stood up - Yu Ting was gone by now. He held my hand and we walked out the room (if it is a room), then we stood outside and we let go of each other hands and went our separate ways.

And when i woke up - it felt so good - it felt like a stone had been lifted. Like the parting that should have happened, happened. It was all a dream but maybe that was all i needed. To break off the ties of the past and to move on completely.

I've moved on surely, but he was always there - a constant nag in my subconscious mind. So weird yet the feeling was so yesterday.

Please - i don't have anymore feelings for him just regret. Just regret that we could have behaved more maturely and carried on as friends - a part of my life which i think i am seriously lacking.

I heard this on Boston Legal tonight. "Friendships are like back yard gardens. We always mean to tend to them, we just seem to put to put them off until next week." We plant the seeds of friendship but sometimes we forget about it or take it for granted that we think - its ok, i can always call her next week - but next week never comes. Maybe not just for friendship - but also to the people we love and care for - like our grandparents for instance. We always say we'll visit them soon - but "soon" never arrives. There will always be something else more "important", more "interesting" to do that sometimes we overlook the things that mean the most but yet are viewed the most insignificantly by us.

I miss Secondary school. I had the most fun - the most friends - the most out of the 4 years. I had great friends whom i might have lost contact with but i will always remember. I had friends that mean so much to me - but i did stupid things made stupid decisions that pushed them away from me - and at that point in time - i didn't care. But i want to care now. I really do.

Some quotes about friendship which i found that really touched me:-

“It is by chance that we met, by choice that we became friends.”

“Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it's all over.”

“Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.” - Anais Nin

“Friends will keep you sane, Love could fill your heart, A lover can warm your bed, But lonely is the soul without a mate.” This is so true. Trust me. So very true.

“The friendship that can cease has never been real.” - St. Jerome
I'm sure some of you understand this too.

Think about the friends that you have forgotten to "water" and be friends - because that's what the world needs most now.

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